I’ve been thinking a lot about Mary lately. Not Mary Magdalene or the other Mary (sister of poor “Martha, Martha”). Mary, the mother. As you may recall, I played Mary in the nativity for my Catholic preschool’s Christmas pageant, so I suppose I’ve always had an affinity towards her.
Mary always looks so serene in paintings. Even in the pieta, where she is cradling the dead body of her full-grown son, she looks like her burden is weightless. There’s Mary on a million prayer candles and rosary beads, the virgin mother of JESUS, looking more relaxed than anyone I’ve ever seen leave a spa or a yoga retreat. Mary, full of faith, handles all the crazy things that come her way without one gray hair or worry line.
But there has to be more to Mary’s story, right? After all, she was a human being. She was a woman in ancient times who had never had sex, and then suddenly, she was the carrier of the world's savior. I don’t doubt the retelling of her life in the Gospels, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t things left out. I wonder if she ever looked at her baby and feared all the horrible things that awaited him. I wonder if she was scared when she gave birth. I wonder if she was embarrassed that she only had two pigeons to sacrifice during the purification ritual (the lowest acceptable sacrifice) or whether she already knew that the baby snuggled in her arms—33 years later—would be the greatest sacrifice on behalf of all humanity.
Christians (most famously, Catholics) pray to this Mary. The “Hail Mary” prayer is one of the classics. I think we had to recite it like the Pledge of Allegiance in preschool. The word “hail” struck me as strange until I dug into what the word meant in the original Greek language (I did this recently, not in preschool). This isn’t the hailing we do when we hail a cab or “all hail Caesar.” Instead, it meant “rejoice!” or “be glad!” giving the whole prayer a different vibe.
Mary is “full of grace” in this prayer, which is an understatement considering she would carry the bringer of all grace into the world. Translated another way, she is “bestowed” with grace. Be joyful, Mary! You are bestowed with ALL the grace. You are the most blessed, and that baby inside you is totally the most blessed! Catholics added a little favor in the 13th century, asking Mary to intercede on our behalf. Mary is holy, set apart, and the mother of God… so clearly, she can pull some strings.
I’m fixated on this Mary because nowhere in this prayer or biblical mentions of her do we get the sense that she is perfect. And yet, she is holy. She was trusted for this big job. She was all in. Still, I want to know if she ever struggled with intrusive thoughts about her future, her son’s future, and the future of humanity. Did she stay up at night thinking of Simeon's words (Luke 2: 34-35) when she laid her two pigeons down at the temple?
“Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is opposed (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also), so that thoughts from many hearts may be revealed.”
AND A SWORD WILL PIERCE THROUGH YOUR OWN SOUL!
Can you imagine?
Can you imagine bringing your baby to be consecrated and hearing, “this baby will save the world, heal hearts, etc… oh, and you will feel pain unlike anything you’ve ever imagined. Anyway, see ya later!”
Can you imagine losing your 12-year-old son (again, the savior of the world) in a crowd, then frantically searching for him only to find him in the temple laying down truths and teaching people? Would you worry for him, envisioning all the soul-piercing swords coming for you and him?
It isn’t just mothers who suffer from intrusive thoughts. So many people I talk to struggle with these vivid, often debilitating journeys into the world of “what if.” And so many of us think we are the only ones. This isn’t your standard worry. This is a Civil War battle playing out in your brain, complete with montages of all the horrible things that could happen. We don’t just worry our child or partner will get in a car accident late at night on an icy road—we see it and imagine how we would react when the police show up at the door. We don’t just get suspicious about our spouse’s attractive work colleague. We construct a detailed alternate reality around that mistrust, complete with a second family and office liaisons. We feel it, the swords piercing our souls, and we can’t escape. I remember one particular time when my children were very young, having a glass of wine on the porch with a friend. She was also a mother of little ones, and she was chatting about a boat trip she and the kids had just returned from. As she told a cute story about pulling her kids on a raft, she stopped cold and said, “I just couldn’t get the image of them drowning out of my head. I wondered if I would have the strength to save all three of them or if I’d be forced to choose who to save first.”
Did Mary see the cross? Did she know?
When you look up the song “Mary, Did You Know?” on Spotify, the top renditions (by number of plays) belong to:
Pentatonix (there may be nothing I dislike MORE in the world than A Capella groups)
Cee Lo Green (What? Why?)
Clay Aiken (Sigh)
Carrie Underwood (Ok, that’s fine)
The lyrics wonder if Mary knew that her son was THE SON. Did she know that he would walk on water, save us all, give sight to the blind, and give hearing to the blind?
(Here’s what should be the #1 version from another Mary)
Those lyrics are beautiful, but it doesn’t answer my question.
🎶 “Mary, did you know? That your baby boy will one day be betrayed, beaten, ridiculed, and hung on a cross? Did you know that one day you will cradle his broken body, just like you’re cradling this tiny child?” 🎶
I don’t think Clay Aiken would sing that version.
Hundreds of books exist on how to take your thoughts captive and free your mind. I think I’ve read all of them, Christian and secular. The best advice I’ve taken away? “No, thank you.”
That’s it. No, thank you.
Intrusive thoughts will come. And when they do, you will greet it like a nosy neighbor who showed up at your door or that girl from high school in your Facebook messages hawking her MLM: “no, thank you!”
Of course, therapy is golden. Prayer, meditation, exercise, vitamins, friends, hobbies. All are critical to maintaining a healthy mind. A healthy mind is an imaginative, creative mind. The same impressive imagination that constructed your husband’s second family in Bolivia can construct a clear vision for your future success. That brain can solve problems and discern. That heart of yours can prophesy and love. It’s not about dulling your ability to manifest. It’s about harnessing it for the kingdom.
I know how Mary did it. It hit me today for the first time. The peace on Mary’s face isn’t emblazoned on candles just because it was a convenient way for artists to portray her. Reading the Christmas story during the Easter season forced a new perspective. Multiple times we read that Mary treasured things in her heart. She heard angel-news or saw a reaction to her baby and held it in her heart. She saved it. She filled her cup with that innate, intimate understanding of the gravity of this child. Maybe she could pull from that cup whenever she said “no, thank you” to an intrusive thought. When the pain of imagining her child’s violent end crept up on her, she had stored away a vault full of glory.
Be more like Mary. Notice those beautiful things and treasure them in your heart. Memorize those Bible verses that still make you smile, even the 1000th time you hear them. Remember the way the sunrise looked this morning. Remember your dog's loud sigh of contentment when she curled up under your desk. Remember how your husband looked at the end of that wedding aisle when you walked toward him. Remember the power and the glory of even a whisper of the name of Jesus.
Joyce Meyer (QUEEN), in her seminal book Battlefield of the Mind, said, “The devil will give up when he sees that you are not going to give in.”
If there’s no room at your Inn for intrusive thoughts because you have stuffed every room of your heart full of the truth of God, then that No Vacancy sign can stay lit for life.
Those thoughts can try, but they’ll have to find another place to crash.